By Cami McLaren, Coach-Style Leadership Trainer and Coach
A manager once came to me because her employee had been missing deadlines. She sighed: “I don’t want to discourage her. I don’t want her to shut down. But I also can’t just let this go.”
If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. Holding people accountable can be intimidating. Leaders often worry about upsetting someone, being misunderstood, or damaging the relationship. Sometimes they’re too frustrated to know how to have the conversation. And yet, these conversations are critical. Your employee must leave with clarity about what isn’t working and a plan to make needed changes.
Here’s how a coach-style leadership approach can help.
- Start With Intention
Before you begin, pause and ground yourself. Ask:
- What do I want from this conversation?
- for this person?
- for our relationship?
- for the team?
This keeps you focused and less reactive.
You might start with:
“At the end of this conversation, I want us to be aligned on expectations and have a plan going forward.”
- Be Clear and Direct
Some leaders are indirect (and confusing) in the name of kindness. But when you soften in this way, the message can get lost.
Instead of: “You’ve been a little behind lately, but I know you’re trying your best.”
Try: “I need to be clear—missing these deadlines isn’t working. It’s impacting other people on the team and making them farther behind. Let’s talk about how to get back on track.”
- Use Observations, Not Judgments
Judgments trigger defensiveness and a sense of powerlessness; observations feel more neutral and give the employee something they can work with.
Instead of: “You’re not reliable.”
Try: “I’ve noticed three deadlines were missed this month.”
- Invite Their Perspective
After you’ve shared what you see, ask questions and listen.
For example:
“What’s your experience of this? What’s been getting in the way?”
In the case of the manager I mentioned, this was the turning point. She learned her employee was juggling competing priorities she hadn’t known about, and they were able to brainstorm solutions together.
- Define the Path Forward
Ask the employee for clarity on what they will change and when you’ll check in again.
For example:
“By next month’s meeting, I’ll be meeting all project deadlines on time. We’ll check in weekly to track progress and talk through roadblocks.”
This gives the employee ownership for their change.
- Lead with Empathy
These conversations can stir emotion. Stay steady and supportive.
You might say:
“How are you feeling about our conversation today? What do you need from me?”
The Bottom Line
When things aren’t going well, it is not effective to be directive, to avoid or to be vague. It is much more effective to create a conversation that leaves your employee with clarity, ownership, and a chance to grow. Done well, these conversations strengthen trust, model accountability, and promote partnership.
For hands-on learning about these coach-style leadership conversations and skills, join us for our upcoming Game Changer series, beginning October 22: mclarencoaching.com/workshops-trainings/game-changer.